Yesterday, after tuition it was already 9:30pm. I was walking alone back to the bus stop. That place was quite wulu and there are many trees, few street lights, and not a single soul around. There was this creepy feel. Occasionally, i could hear dogs barking. Honestly, i was scared. Ahead of me seemed somewhat like a black hole. Dark. I started to msged quite a few ppl, namely, meiting, Dawn, Alan, Baoxin and GG "can you call me now?". Initially i only msged dawn and Meiting. But as i was reaching the black hole and no one called me yet, i started to panic and msged GG, alan and Bx. Meiting was the first to call me. After which i saw a guy, one yr older then me walking past. I was like so happy! I walked up to him, asked him for direction. He was living nearby and just finished giving tuition. Haha. So coincident. He told me he could accompany me to the bus stop. I asked if he could just stay at the "black hole" at 9:30pm every Wed. Haha. I didn't know what makes me said that. I was just excited to finally see a soul in that cold and dark street. He agreed anyway. I know you guys will wanna know if he is shuai. Though it was very dark, i can conclude that he was actually....................................NOT SHUAI AT ALL!! haha. I am so mean. Nah la. Just a normal looking guy but really thank him for the accompany. He's a kind soul.
After which i received Bx's call. I told him the reason behind my sms. And he said he was really lost of words. He thought something very bad had happened to me and i made him worried for nothing. Oops:P I was really guilty. I don't intend to make anyone worried for me. I was just speculating was it boliao to call them just becuase i was the only one walking in that dark lane. So i thought i shall msg, and if they are free then they will call me. I don't know. Am i really boliao or what? Is my reason valid? It was my first time walking through that lane. It was dark. Really. I don't know why i was scared. Haha. The dogs barking is just getting on my nerves so i just kept msging. I am not afraid of ghost. I am more afraid of dogs and man not in the right state of their minds.
*~You are too good to everyone, actually you are hurting everyone~* Dawn and me agreed with this analogy and i shared this analogy with Bx. Bx totally disagreed. He said it gotta depends on the person. It just so happened that the guy dawn and me liked was being too nice to other girls. Well. Of cause every analogy aint true in all cases. Of cause it depends on the parties involved. Still, i think being nice is good but there gotta be a limit. But he questioned liek how do you defined the limit. How would the other party knows whether what he did is over the limit in your perspective. True. He said that what B msged is still not over the limit. He said i think too much. But it wasn't just those smses. B held my hand while crossing the road. I never never thought he would like me, i just think what he did is over the limit, it made me like him unintentionally.
I am an egoistics and confident girl. I never never want to like anyone whom i know the heart ain't with me. I never never approve girls to take initiative in chasing after guys. To me, liking B when everyone knows he already had someone else in mind is a "disgrace" for me although I never never announced that i actually liked him. I didn't want to, really.This was the first time that i fall into such "pathetic" state. But he was just too good to me, it made me like him unintentionally, falling deep into the bottom pit. All the nice smses saying he would protect me...etc made me especially touched when my heart was just being torn apart by my previous heart ranching "relationship". It wasnt really a relationship because that guy kept saying he loved me but always had no time for me. We went out only once during that 8 months when he said he liked me. No one believes it. Anyway, that was what i meant. It's good for guys to be really nice and gentleman but i thought there should be a limit. Like if i go out alone with any guys to console him and hug him when he cry, i am sure many girls would find it unacceptable. I myself find it unacceptable because i didn't wanna mislead anyone. I know that B never want to mislead me. But does that means i can hold a guy's hand and tell everyone, well i got no intention to mislead him, really.
I feel foolish telling Bx becuase he thinks i read too much. I was such a confident and egoistics girl. Telling me i read too much is actually telling me i was all the while zi zuo duo qing. To me, that is like crashing my confidence. I knew, all along he didn't like me. I knew all along because our love for our previous relationships was that common topic to make us as close friend. I knew all along because he was always telling me about the crush he had on my friend. I just hated myself for liking him unintentionally and he making me liking him with all the sweet gestures he did unintentionally.
Bx thinks i haven't given up on B and that my heart is still with him. I swear no. I've gave up. In fact, all along i have always want to give up. And i succeed in the end. It's not him that i am still holding on to. It's the lingering pain that incident reminds me of that will occasionally pricked me hard like a needle. It wasn't just B. My friends misunderstood me, accused me during that time. Thats what that hit on me the hardest. They crashed the trust, the bonds, the friendship. Their accusations added immense amount of salt on my wounds and yet , i couldnt tell them the real reason for "avoiding" the whole clique is due to B. I didn't wanna stir trouble for him. And i was an egoistics girl, how could i tell the "whole world" when he was already attached with my friend at that moment. It was this time that i needed support the most. I hate myself for faking a smile. I hate it but i couldnt help it because i couldnt let out the truth. I hate it even more when my friends misunderstood me. I may seemed like a cheerful girl still, but the sorrows and pains that this incident bring will haunt me when the darkness came. The misunderstandings my friend had on me, and the unintentional pain he instilled in me "stapled" a deep scars in my heart. Deep. When the night came, and it was freezing cold, the wounds will still hurts. I was very very sure what i couldnt let go isnt B but the lingering pain the incident brings. It made me see clearer who are the true friends with me. It made me more cynical. It allows me to see the ugly sides of us, humans. It made me see how judgemental we humans are, and putting accusation on someone without realising the pain he/she was going through.
*~Thank god there are still good friends around~* GG finally managed to get through my phone and he said he was damn worried:P I was really really very guilty. Anyway, those who tried to call and esp those who worried for me, waited by the phone for my replies really made me guilty and touched as well. I was sorry i made you guys worried. Nonethless, thanks for worrying:P hee.
Well. Just kidding la. Besides rantling on how bad my other friends had been to me, i think i gotta give credit for those who SINCERELY care for me as a friend. A big thank you. :)
Well. People have been asking me whether i've got any one in mind at this moment. Seriously, no. I didn't wanna think much about it and i swear i will never want to liek someone whom i know the heart aint with me anymore. Once bitten, twice shy. Though, i know feelings cannot be controlled. So you guys know that i am a consercative girl now, don't mislead me in anyway. but you guys won't know whether you are misleading me so haha, ok..everything can't be help. Bu ti swear the next time, i won't fall into that deep shit so easily. I didn't wannt think about all the relationship stuffs at this moment. I wanted to get a good honours degree and live a happier life then all the friends whom had accused me and not the least guilty. I wanna proved to all whom have belittle me just because i looked like a young girl that i will live a much fufilling and happierlife then them. I liked this egoistics trait of me actually. It helped me quite a few times. When i broke up during Sec 4, i told myself i must get good results to impress him, at least the same result as him, or even better so that i can get into the same schoola s him as well. Well. I never got fantastic results in the end. But i've gotten the same result as him, 12 points nad i passed my english. He was always worrying for my english and i told myself this time i gotta pass. And i passed. Same for B and friends who had belittle or accused me, i told myself i gotta get the best results among them all!!! I didn't because by the time i managed to focus and set this goal, i was left with very little time, but at least i scored better than those who have inflicted pain on me. All this helped to regain abit of my confidence. I wasnt satisfied still and i joined Emage. I wanted to find back the courage to stand on stage and present shows to the audience. I think i found the courage. I gained more confidence. Yes. I am a very egoistics girl. I wanted to be a BIG BIG girl in my small small world.
Thanks those whom have crashed my confidence, it makes me work harder to prove that i will live a better life and have a brighter future then u guys.
I am cynical, egoistics and green-eyed scorpio. I can be loyal, truthful, and really nice if you prove to me you are worth my love.
It all comes back to the topic of being fair and square. :)
it rained at 8:57 AM
Me*____
ME: JuanZ | TKSS,NYJC,NTU | First crY: 19th Nov 86' |
To B HeaLthY | My ParenTs wun Grow olD | NO MORE lies from anione animore | A DigitAL cam | PaSs emAge tEst | Do Well fOr ALl eXaMS | GeT a Gd joB in Future | LasTly,I Jus WisH to B haPPy ALwayZ^^ | I wish...........
