SHIT! I seemed to be getting more and more cynical! :P I know Scorpio forgive and will never forget but is cynical a characteristic of Scorpio too? :P Yar~ Scorpio forgive and will never forget. It's good because as we learn to b forgiving, we remember the incidents to remind us of certain lessons learnt. Lessons like how not to be bullied easily, lessons like how to differentiate a hypocrite from a truthful friend.
Dawn suggests in her blog that i should get a bookmark for frenz C whom i felt obliged to buy a present for her b'dae. Haha~that's quite evil of her:P I agreed with what she said. "What matters is not the price, it's the thoughts"~Cliche but how true~ If I've the thoughts and can afford it, i will definitely buy something realli nice and do something sweet within my ability. I will use up the max amt of $ i can spend to buy the gift. I will use up hours to do a birthday card. I will purposely stay till midnight to send a b'dae greeting. The thoughts can influence the price most of the time. Because if someone is thoughtful, she wont mind spending as much $ and putting in as much effort she can. But if I feel obliged to buy the gift? Even if i spend lots of $ on the gift to make myself looks good, I won't feel happy because I m cheating myself, the gift will be a meaningless 1. But a bookmark, I tink thats quite bad. That person will be part of my clique most probably because we have been really nice to each other before. Truthfully nice. Just that as time goes, everything changes. I shouldnt forget the friendship we once had. I will give Frenz C a decent gift for the sake of that forsaken friendship.
SO WHAT'S THE GIFT?
I've bought a really nice bracelet but have never wore it before. I bought it because there is discount. But still, the amount paid aint small. I've nvr wore it before and i find it meaningless for me to put in effort, walk around to find a gift specially for Frenz C. Since I've bought the bracelet at a decent price, nvr wore b4 and reckoned that she will like it, I might as well give it to her as a gift. But there won't be any cards nor b'dae msges. Like i said, I noe i gotta lie but not entirely. After a while, i couldn't breathe.
Frenz C never give me card nor send me msg for my b'dae. As for the gift, i bet she feel the obligation too. She will buy me gift when she has buy gifts for the whole clique. But the gift compared to others? I reckoned she is just carrying out a "job" to maintain the "peace". Not that the gift is cheap thats why i made such assumption. But I just know it. I can feel the obligation everytime we talked to each other. And she accused me and hurt me real bad before. She never even apologised when she knows the truth. Everytime, i thought of that incident, my heart pricked. Things will never be the same like before. She continues to doubt me, doubt my maturity, my ability. I laughed because she don't really know me. I laughed because she is in no way capable than me. She left me alone and walked right infront of me with another girl when i was talking to a guy. That guy has did great favours for me, that guy has been a great frenz once and after so long till i see him again, i will wanna catch up with him. But frenz C do not allow. She thinks I am flirtish but I've never been acting intimate with any guyz. My other clique of friends know that. She said I m flirtish when she kept talking to Guy in his gf's presence. She thinks I am flirtish when she went concert with Guy alone. I only wished to talk to him once, and she will walked right infront with another girl, leaving me behind. She thinks i am flirtish when she is being intimate with another guy, claiming that she just wanna have fun and inmitate some mtv scenes. In her life,there is platonic relationship. In mine, I am not allowed to have.She never never know me. I hate all her accusations towards me. All her misjudgements towards me. Now that I've learnt to let go, the heartache is not so serious already. But it still hurts. Still hurts.
I shadnt be bias and only talked about Frenz C. Many do that too! And myself too.In some points of life, we have not been truthful to our own feelings. But if Frenz C has NEVER been good and truthful to me, I really won't bother to get any stuffs for her. And cards? I only do b'dae cards for those i treasured. However, people changes, feeling changes. Those i once treasured may no longer be treasured. Not that I am an unfeeling creature, but when the other party stop feeling attached to that friendship, stop being truthfully nice, i seriously don't see the need to put in any more efforts. Have been putting in lots of effort to uphold all my friendships. As time goes, as i grow realli tired of it, i find it better to let go, to stop being so stubborn in maintaining all relationship.
PEOPLE COME AND GO
Working in the office, I see people come and go. When someone leaves, everyone wished him/her all the best, there after i never see that person again. Then a new colleague came and replaced his/her position, become part of his/her previous clique. Thats life. It's impossible to hold on to ALL relationships. Unfeeling it may seemed, but letting go is part and parcel of life, letting go made us more relieved and not so tight up. In the end, only your family and your own soul stays with you. So why not put in more love and care for your own family, for your own soul. In the end, you will leave this world. Why hold on so tight to everything, anything, including those that ain't worthy of your efforts? Be happy. Leave the world happily.
I'll never forget the pains Frenz C and others have inflicted on me. The pain of being accused when i have already been hurt deep enough by other stuffs. Will write a story on this when i've the time. I am still feeling the pain as i typed this post. Am working now and i don't wanna look gloomy the whole day and being asked why.
Don't judge me by my height, don't judge me by my baby fats, don't judge me by my chubby cheeks.Put away your judgements and you will know the true me.
I may not be more capable than you but I won't be less capable than you. I may not be cleverer than you but I won't be less intelligent than you. I may not look more mature than you but i won't be more immature than you.
I am hiding my true self somewhere. Only the God knows. Only those who have know me using your heart can feel and see the different sides of me. I've evolved to become a much more complex person than you think, and also a much simpler person than you think.
I am hiding............Behind_The_Veil.
I am laughing at you. Laughing at how you have been blinded by your own perceptions....laughing at how foolish you are when all you see is a empty shell and not my soul, my mind. It's all hidden. You can only feel it....you cannot see it.
Only the fated ones can feel and enter my life, leave a footprints that stay forever, paint a smile in my heart.
I don't wanna be hurt by anyone anymore. But thats impossible. How many fated ones are there? Say yO!!!
-Silence-
I am still hiding. Find me.
it rained at 9:27 AM
Me*____
ME: JuanZ | TKSS,NYJC,NTU | First crY: 19th Nov 86' |
To B HeaLthY | My ParenTs wun Grow olD | NO MORE lies from anione animore | A DigitAL cam | PaSs emAge tEst | Do Well fOr ALl eXaMS | GeT a Gd joB in Future | LasTly,I Jus WisH to B haPPy ALwayZ^^ | I wish...........
