illalwaysbethereforyouifyouneedme`
Monday, June 06, 2005
*~TWINS AND LOVE~*

*~影子~*

陈文娟

我不喜欢照相也不喜欢照镜子,因为我不想看到自己,不想看到你。。。。。。

“我不是美婷,我是玉婷!”,这句话我已经不耐烦地说了好几次了。我成了她的“影子”,一个真正存在着却常被人遗忘的影子。渐渐的,我开始觉得,也许我真的不曾存在过。。。。。。

“她们两个好像哦!要分辨出谁是美婷谁是玉婷还真不容易。”,一个学妹望着我们惊叹道。
“仔细一看,我觉得美婷是那个看起来比较美的吧!”,她的朋友这样回应她。

我的心先是一沉,然后感到愤怒。为何总爱把我们当动物般指指点点,为何总爱拿我们作比较?每次的比较,我都输了但我并没有习惯这种“落败”的感觉。每一次,我都感到一阵痛。每一次,我都越感渺小。

“你在那里发什么呆?还不做功课?你妹妹的成绩比你好那么多。样样都是特优,你呢? 真搞不懂,剩下你们这对双胞胎,脸时一模一样,可是一个那么聪明,一个却那么笨!”,妈妈总是毫不客气的这么说。

我自己也觉得纳闷。我自己也搞不懂!不管我怎么努力,成绩还是在妹妹之下。从小,我就已经接受了正如妈妈所说得“每每比我聪明”,这一事实。我恨妈妈像别人一样拿我们作比较。但我必须承认自己的确输了。刚开始时,我也曾信心慢慢,决心赢得这场“竞赛”,但每一次的“落败”都让我失去了“战斗力”。我“弃权”了。信心让我感觉自己像站在高岗上而每一次的落败却都让我跌个粉身碎骨。我累了,宁愿站在平台上,预备接受失败,为失败做好心理准备。但怎么准备,伤心失落总是难免的。

我不爱我的家。我不爱我妈妈,不爱妹妹也恨透了自己。我不喜欢呆在家听妈妈那些伤人的话语。她说的话句句动向锋利的箭头,迅速而有力的插上我的心头。我总是和朋友到处溜荡,迟迟才肯回家。我不想见到妈妈也不想见到妹妹。她和我长得好像,让我不由地讨厌自己。总之,我从不曾在家找到温暖。我渴望爱,渴望得到关怀但对我来说,这些愿望都是奢侈的。

X X X X X X

他并不高大,却有着宽厚的肩膀。他长得并不俊俏,却有着让我为之倾倒的笑容。他并不爱我,但我却深深地爱上他。我总是装疯卖傻应他发笑,我像我还真是傻。。。他是第一个,自我有生以来,让我可以开怀大笑,暂时忘却烦恼的人。他唯一能让我停止哭泣,逗我开心的人。我以为我将得到幸福,以为他是上帝赐给我的礼物。我真傻,上帝并不会对我那么好,从一开始就不曾对我好。。。

很不巧的,他爱上我妹妹。不是别人,偏偏就是她。我总是假装淘气的逗他:“哇!那么好,帮我妹妹买水不收钱,又不见得有我这个好友的份! ”。“哈哈!当然啦!美婷不是普通的朋友啊!”,说完他总是开心地笑着。我用微笑来隐藏我无声的哭泣。唯一能让我停止哭泣的人,让我哭了。。。

我,又输了。虽然妹妹对我并不坏,但我却很她的存在。在很她之余,也感到惭愧。毕竟,不全是她的错。我常常看到自己就想起妹妹,想起他。我恨妹妹,但我更恨我自己吧!我好烦,脑子里总是一片混乱。到底我何时才能尝尝胜利的滋味,何时才能摆脱这些烦恼呢?
我是她的影子,真正存在却被遗忘的“影子”。我想我不曾存在过。。。 。。。


Watched "WO CAI WO CAI WO CAI CAI CAI" on friday and for the "REN BU KE MAO XIANG" part, they are looking for pretty twins. The 1st pair of twins came out and the elder sister said that she actually hate to look like her younger sister. She even tried to change her hair parting so that it's different but the younger sister followed suits. It reminds me of the above story that i wrote in my JC years, and so i posted it up. This story....is actually about me. No, i do not have a twins. But i have a friend who people claimed we looked alike. And No, i am not really such a loser k? heeX~ Well....this story just convey how i feel during my darkest moment in JC and I did win in some aspects of life. Well, we have different pursuits and goals in life so it's hard to compare. But i just hate to be compared even if i know i were to win. I don't see the need to compare. Because i feel like we do not look alike!! What upset me is she will asked people if we look alike and ask who is prettier. =/ To her, it may be just a passing remarks. Yes, it is. But too many times make it unbearable. Everyone gives different answers to her questions. But whatever the answer is, i am not happy. I wanna look like myself and just myself.

Realised i wrote all the sad stories for compo during JC and teacher said i wrote well~haha...probably cause I'm actually conveying my true feelings through stories.

If you asked me, i would say i prefer not to have a twin sister. I want to look like no one. I want to have my own identity. How about you guys? Would you like to have a twin brother or twin sister if you have a choice?




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Previous craps 06/05/2005(TADA) | 06/05/2005 (THE BREAK UP) | 08/05/2005(Pugi BBQ) | 08/05/2005(Coffee Bean cheesecake) | 09/05/2005(still-at-office) | Eg of Irritating Msges | 11/05/2005(hair-trouble) | 11/05/2005(Bop-n-me) | It's a Rainy Day. | Steamboat aka YH's b'dae! | 1st Tuition Experience | Boring Day @ Work | Just Another Day | GALS~~~~ | *Together* | My Inner Self | Hair Rescue | Alone | A Lie | Updates | Differences | Types Of Guys I Dislike | Guys I Like | Weekends |

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