I hate myself for not acting liek myself infront of Bop.
I had so much to tell Bop but i don't know how do i start.
Something's stucked in my throat. I feel that i have so much to tell yet i didn't know whats exactly in my mind. I feel lost when i don't even know myself, not a bit.
Even if i did say things all out, it only makes thing worst, not any better. So why do i bother.
I can feel something missing but i don't know what was it.
Sometimes, i hoped friends read my blog, try to understand the Juanz beneath, and lend me a shoulder, leave a comment or 2 to tell me they know how i feel, they understand me, they will be there for me. On the other hands, i am afraid they will misunderstood what i have wrote, they will find me boring beneath my bubbly surface. So i never revealed who exactly was Bop, Frenz C, "他",.......etc. I only revealed my address to 5 people i guessed. I wanted to protect myself so much yet i hoped they chanced upon my blog and know more about me, understand the sorrows and unhappiness i have been undergoing. However, i know the world doesn't revolve only around me, so there were no obligation for them to know me. Ahh... what am i talking.
I feel lost. I feel empty. When my mind was in a blank, i cried. When my mind was bloated with unknown stuffs, i cried. I love the loneliness, it was so me. I hate the loneliness, because it hurts when ever tears welled up my eyes. Something is stucked in my throat and i don't know what was it. I seriously don;t know.
I feel stupid. I feel dumb. I feel cheated. by myself. And i think thats the most fearful lie.
I started to lost track of whats on my mind. Do i even ever keep tracks of it? Haha. It was a joke. It is a joke.
I feel so dejected now. All is need now is a hug.
I hugged the loneliness.
I was surrounded by friends in the day but what was i thinking in the night?
I hate myself to hide behind a veil infront of the one i fancy. Yet, i always hide. I acted so well i thought i should have won some oscar awards.
I hate myself to hide infront of myself. What exactly was me?
I am a bornt actress.
I keep on rantling.............. i know whoever read this will find me long winded. I guess no one will finish reading it. But i couldnt stop typing.
I will read this post all over again after i finished typing, hoping to know myself better. How ironic.
I will spare you guys then. those who have tolerated my nonsense up to this stage, thanks and ya, you are being spared from all this rantings finally. I am going to stop here now, gonna read through everything.
Scorpios are mysterious. Indeed. I don't even know me!
it rained at 3:43 AM
Me*____
ME: JuanZ | TKSS,NYJC,NTU | First crY: 19th Nov 86' |
To B HeaLthY | My ParenTs wun Grow olD | NO MORE lies from anione animore | A DigitAL cam | PaSs emAge tEst | Do Well fOr ALl eXaMS | GeT a Gd joB in Future | LasTly,I Jus WisH to B haPPy ALwayZ^^ | I wish...........
