the freshman orientation camp is a nightmare to me....
lost my enthu for it...bt sometimes i cld really feel being 'condemned' when i cldnt play games due to my toe... i think ppl jus have this impression...come on...its jus ingrown toe nail...nth much... but it has been dere for 3 yrs n worsen recently ever since it has been stepped a few times n hit by the edge of toilet door...doc thinks the infection is qt bad... i jus went to see a doc recently....din wanna worsen it by dirtyin my toe nail n all...bt i feel its only when u really have a big cut...or sprain or anithin much more visible n noticeable...den ppl will understand n show their concern... not judge u n think tt u r jus tryin to avoid ur responsiblity by nt playin n helpin out in the games......... n in camp...there r alot of activities to dirty u n of cuz it'l dirty my toe too... i cldnt wear shoes becuz the sock will tore my wound down like it did for snr camp....bt in camp....there r alot of activities tt require me to wear shoes becuz there r alot of running......n when i was alone n cldnt join in for many stuffs i feel sianz....n more sianz when i feel i be judged....i wld call up dar to talk............n i m cynical to think tt they mus feel i skipped all the games to talk on fone... bt seriously i dun see anythin i can help... wanted to cheer...bt awhile i feel sianz...when no on is dere to cheer with me...... feel like an idiot sometimes.....
sometimes i feel left out....when my fren r with their bfs......n maybe cuz i lost my enthu n feel its a camp mainly for freshies to interact......i jus kip to myself....feel sad den i call dar up....i feel it be so nice if he is from my hall....n even if i dun see him....i noe he be dere when i am being neglected by frens....or feel sad being misunderstood... at least i noe he is aomewhere around workin n contributin to the same thing...i feel they jus dun understand when ur bf is nt fr hall...n its true tt many a times i am being left out.........
like durin monster hunt...my fren is with her bf....n i wont blame her or b sad over tt cuz its something natural n rite ah...bt the other fren kindda neglected me to talk to another snr...n to seek for sense of security...becuz the fright nite was kindda scary for her ba....
i was walkin alone....n i din msged dar.....i tot i wld jus walk alone.....it was a v bad feelin......i jus dun haf a sense of belonging for this camp anymore......................
games like 100s relay...i am able to join~ it wldn't hurt my toe compared to war games...water carnival...initiation....blablabla...bt i cldnt cuz i need to do some admin stuffs alone......i feel really out of the world....n probably i m alr feelin stress over many stuffs....tt i feel tired to self entertain n self consolin myself for this camp......................like i used to sometimes...
i wld love to interact well with the freshies....bt rite nw i was kinnda tired...... ppl will think come'on u din really join in n help out any stuffs...u haf no rite to feel tired.... bt its actually when u cant join in anything....tt u feel sianz.....more sianz when bein judged n u jus dun feel a sense of belonging u wanted to just stay with ur grp..........
the camp becomes more stressful when dar couldnt understand me n how camp works...n the way he reacts made me v stress over it.....
it becomes more stressful when ppl wnt allow u to rest a lil....becuz u din play n work as much as they do....so u shdnt be feelin tired.... bt i really m tired....my mood is spoiled.... i am mentally tired..............very........................
was shiverin ytd nite suddenly n i jus suddenly burst out cryin....i din noe if i was jus bein too stress over my relationship n this camp....or am i really sick...i jus noe it was a v bad feelin............... a fren whom aint as close compared to others showed even more concern....n it did make me feel beta... thanks~ bt it makes me feel sad aso...i dunno y.........
i feel camp...rehearsal which i dun feel like performin becuz i dun even have a chance to decide wat i wanna perform n asked to perform some retro song which i totally have no interest bt perform for responsiblity....n this over possessive relationship jus comes at the same go.....den i am really feelin mentally tired over it....tt i din haf time to slowly sort my thoughts out...tt everything is done half heartedly....n i dun even haf times to think clearly abt our r/s.....
right now........i m havin diarrhoe....din haf anything ytd....n got diarrhoe twice in the nite....n after a few mouthful of noodle at 4 am....i had diarrhoe twice agn at 7 plus..........was feelin drained........ bt i gotta see the doc alone.... like no one even bothered to ask if i need acc....thou i know it aint tt bad tt its a must to have company.......bt i feel sad abt it.......... doc gave me mc........n i cld have rest whole day becuz i really feel drained when my stomach is totally empty...n i have no appetite to eat...... btwhen i msged my vice chair tt i jus went to doc n gt mc....she jus reply to ask me to join the nite even straight later den. even my gd fren do tt.... i should understand tt ppl might be bz....bt if its me i wld haf jus msged somehting nice to cheer dem person up...like r u alright...tc n i will see u ltr if u feelin ok...that kindda stuffs...
i noe i am nt a child tt needs ppl full time attention n concern.....bt i tot as a fren or even jus a neighbout living tgt n belongin to hall 3...i wld do tt..... probably the bad feelings accumulated n it makes me really sad abt everything....n i really dun haf this sense of belonging................
r/s with dar is stressful too...cuz we r both too possessive....n its tirin sometimes...n this aint being healthy...i always feel there seems to be somethhing nt rite...or missin in the r/s.... i think i can slowly understnad wat it is............ bt i have no time to sort thoughts out.... had a talk with dar till 4 plus....n i m v v glad tt he cld really jus listen n tryin his best to understand n make effort to improve.....
i was feelin stress now when dar offered to send me to sp nite in the night noein i am drained from my diarrhoe..... stress becuz i m cynical....or shd i say rite to think tt ppl wld think i chao geng to meet him agn.................bt i am really drained tt i hope there r transport dere....instead of me waitin n takin a bus..... watsmore.... he is the only one tt is so concerned rite now ba.........
i dunnoe........... i m in a lost............my head is heavy.................. n i really feel v drained.................
physically n mentally...............
i noe i have no zi ge to say i am drained physically.........bt i really m from my diarrhoe.......
n mentally.................... i am totally drained...................
the feelings of nt being understood n cared for sux........n its really saddenin tt this camp will remain as a nightmare for me....................
it rained at 10:01 AM
Me*____
ME: JuanZ | TKSS,NYJC,NTU | First crY: 19th Nov 86' |
To B HeaLthY | My ParenTs wun Grow olD | NO MORE lies from anione animore | A DigitAL cam | PaSs emAge tEst | Do Well fOr ALl eXaMS | GeT a Gd joB in Future | LasTly,I Jus WisH to B haPPy ALwayZ^^ | I wish...........
